“Hospitality is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give happiness.”
Edith. B. Orday
Etiquette of Today
Author: Edith B. Orday Published: 1918
Personality
Family Etiquette
Conversation and Correspondence
Casual Meetings and Calls
The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation
Behavior in Public
The Art of Being a Guest
Duties of Host and Hostess
Duties of the Chaperon
Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement
The Conduct of a Wedding
Etiquette for Children
Etiquette of Mourning
Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette
CHAPTER VI
THE PERSONAL CARD AND THE ENGRAVED INVITATION
Form of Card
A MAN'S card is usually one and a half by three inches in size, and made of fairly stiff bristol board. A woman's card is usually about two and three-sixteenths by three inches, and made of dull-finish, fine, medium-weight bristol board.
The color of cards is a fine pearl white. Cream or tinted cards are never in good form.
The engraving varies from plain script to elaborate Old English text, or shaded Roman type, according to the fashion. The engraver may be trusted to know the style and stock most in use.
The card of an unmarried lady should be somewhat smaller than that of the married. This distinction is made, however, only in case of the card of the débutante.
Inscription
If there is room across the card the full name should be engraved. If the names are too long, only the initials of given names should be used.
All inscriptions on one card should be in the same style of type.
"Mr." is prefixed, unless there is a special title, such as, "Reverend," "Doctor," "Colonel," etc. If a man should, in an emergency, write his own name on a card, he would not prefix the "Mr.," or any other title. The name should be written in full and should be an autograph.
A married lady should have her husband's full name, or such form or parts of it as he uses, with the title "Mrs.," and not her own name.
A young woman has the title "Miss" engraved before her name, even though she be only a schoolgirl.
A young man has no title at all on his card, but simply his full name.
The newly married couple use a card with the title of "Mr. and Mrs." for the first year after marriage, in returning their ceremonious calls after the wedding, and paying formal calls when the husband is unable to accompany the wife. These cards should have the address in the lower right-hand corner, and the reception day or days in the lower left. After the first year they are seldom used in paying calls, but can be used for condolence, congratulation, or farewell where both husband and wife desire to be formally represented.
A woman who is personally distinguished, who occupies a high social position, or whose husband stands at the head of his family, may have only "Mrs. Barnaby," not "Mrs. John Barnaby," upon her cards. It is better, however, not to do so unless one has the indisputable right to be considered as the Mrs. Barnaby of the locality. It is customary for the wife of the oldest brother of the oldest branch of the family alone to have the privilege of this form.
The same rule of precedence applies to single women. The oldest unmarried daughter of the oldest brother, and she alone, has the right to use "Miss Campbell" on her card, although she may have a cousin who is much older than herself, but who is the daughter of a younger brother of the same family.
A widow has no cards during her year of mourning, as she makes no formal visits. After that, cards with black border to any depth desired may be used.
A widow has no legal right to retain her husband's Christian name, but she often prefers to do so, and it is entirely proper, the question being one of sentiment alone. In case there is a married son of the same name as the father, then it is proper for the mother to put "Sr." for Senior, at the end of her name, should she desire still to retain her husband's Christian name.
In such a case widows occasionally prefer to use their own names or initials.
In this country a married woman merges her name with that of her husband. It is not uncommon nowadays for married women to sign their own Christian name, their maiden surname, and their husband's surname as their signature. There is value in this as it preserves the family identity of the married woman, but the question of its legality may always be raised.
The name of daughter or daughters is often engraved below that of the mother on her card, before the young woman enters formally into society. The form "The Misses Smith" may be used, or the names given separately. In New York in some circles the débutante is not given a separate card until she has been in society a year. As American schoolgirls often have a card with the prefix "Miss," the débutante may use this among her girl friends.
To write anything on an engraved card except "Condolences," "Congratulations," "P. p. c.," is not considered good style, although a lady may use her visiting card with "Five o'clock tea," "Music," or a special date written upon it as an informal invitation to a musical or "At Home."
A business or professional woman may have, in addition to her society card, a card with her own name for business purposes. This usually has a word or two denoting her profession in the lower left-hand corner, and her business address in the lower right.
A lady's card should always contain her home address in the lower right-hand corner. Her afternoon "At Home" is usually given in the lower left.
The address is often omitted from cards for men, being engraved on those of the women of the family. Men belonging to a fashionable or well-known club put its name, instead of their residence, on their cards. This is especially the case when they do not live at home. If living at a club, the address is put on the lower left-hand corner; if living at home, the lower right-hand corner.
On a man's business cards the title "Mr." is omitted, the name of his firm, their business, and address, being engraved in the lower left-hand corner.
Titles
Titles which signify permanent rank, or profession that lasts for life, and which are allied to a man's identity or distinctly bear upon his social standing, should be used.
Temporary titles, which have no special social rank or bearing, or professional titles, such as "Esquire" for lawyers, which have no social significance, are not used.
For the same reason that temporary or technical titles are not used, honorary titles are omitted. There should be no pretense in regard to social position, as pretense is easy and futile. A man appears in society simply as an ordinary individual, to win favor and position by force of his personality, or to lose it thereby.
An army or a naval officer, a physician, a judge, or a clergyman may use his title on his card, as, for instance, "Captain James Smith," "Judge Henry Gray," "Rev. Thomas Jones, D. D." The card of an Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court at Washington reads "Mr. Justice Holmes." Military or complimentary titles are not used, nor are coats of arms. In this republican country it is considered an affectation and bad taste so to make use of them. Political and judicial titles are also omitted, as are academic titles, such as Chancellor, Dean, and Professor.
No title below the rank of Captain is used on the card in military circles. A lieutenant's card would give his full name with the prefix "Mr." and below it the words, "Lieutenant of Fifth Cavalry, United States Army," or simply, "United States Coast Guard Service."
Use
The etiquette of the visiting card is a fluctuating one. It cannot be laid down for all time, or even for next season.
On entering at a reception, or afternoon tea, one leaves a card in the salver offered by the butler or attendant who opens the door, or upon the hall table, as a reminder to the hostess, who can hardly be expected to remember, if entertaining a large number, every one who has been there.
One does not leave cards at a wedding reception, however.
At an afternoon tea, it is no longer necessary to leave a card apiece from all the members of the invited families to all the members of the family of the hostess and her guests also. The single card for the host and hostess is all that is required.
Should one be invited to a series of receptions, one leaves cards only once although one may attend twice. Leaving cards in person after a tea or reception is good form only for ceremonious affairs. After the usual private reception one should certainly call.
If only one member of a family can attend a reception to which the others have been invited, she may leave the cards of the others, together with her own, with perfect propriety.
Also when one is not able to attend a reception or an afternoon tea, cards may be sent by mail, although it is better to send them by messenger, to arrive on the day of the entertainment. One should call within a fortnight.
It is not now considered necessary to call in person where formerly it was so held. The sending of the personal card often takes the place of the call. Nor need this be done by messenger. Cards for any purpose may now be sent by mail.
After removing from one part of the city to another, it is customary for ladies to send engraved cards with their new address and with their reception day to all of their circle of acquaintances.
A woman who is stopping for a brief time in a city where she has friends, sends to them her card containing her temporary address and the length of her stay, as "Here until June second," or "Here until Sunday."
A man, however, calls upon his friends, and if they are absent leaves his card giving the same information.
If a son old enough to go into society wishes to do so, his card is left with his father's and mother's at the beginning of the season. He will then be invited to the functions given by the friends of his parents.
When there is illness or mourning in the household, friends leave their cards with the words "To inquire," "Sincere condolence," or "Sympathy" written upon them.
The card which accompanies wedding gifts should be the joint card of "Mr. and Mrs.," if the gift is sent jointly, and may well have the words "Best wishes and congratulations," written upon it.
The initials "P. p. c.," meaning "Pour prendre congé," or "To take leave," are written upon one's personal cards, which are then sent out to one's friends when one is going away from a place either permanently or for a long time. They are usually written in the lower left-hand corner of the card. These cards may be sent by post, when the person leaving town has not the time to make a personal visit. They are not used when leaving town for the summer.
It is quite proper to send or leave "P. p. c." cards when one goes away from a summer resort, especially if the people to whom they are sent do not live during the year in the same town or city with the sender.
It is no longer permissible to fold over the ends of a card, to signify that it was intended for all the members of the family.
The birth of a child may be announced by a small card containing the full name of the child daintily engraved, with the date of the birth in the lower left-hand corner. The card is tied to the mother's card by white ribbon, and both are enclosed in one envelope and sent by post.
Visiting cards for those who are in mourning are the same size as the ordinary card. The width of the black border is regulated by the degree of the relationship to the deceased.
The Engraved Invitation
A fine grade of heavy, unglazed, pure white paper, suède finish, in double sheet folded to a size about five by seven and a half inches, or less, inserted in an envelope of the same width but half the length, is used for the billet on which wedding invitations and announcements are engraved. The impress of the plate demarks a margin of about an inch.
A heavy or medium grade of white bristol board is used for invitations to "At Homes," dinner, receptions, dances, and all like social functions for which the common visiting card is not used. The size used varies with the number of words in the invitation, and may be quite large, as for a club or society reception, or formal openings or special occasions where a business corporation is the host. These cards have the same plate margin as the wedding invitation, although it is much narrower. Only the most formal invitations have space left for the writing in of the name of the guest.
The billet, however, has certain advantages, especially where the occasion is very formal and select, and the information which should be furnished the guest is considerable. Elegance of this sort is now very costly.
Several styles of type are in use: namely, the script having close round letters, and being as nearly black as Roman or Old English when engraved; a script lighter and more cursive; an Old English lettering; a shaded Roman letter, which is constantly growing in popularity; shaded Caxton; solid and shaded French script; and a plain Roman block letter.
The script is the type most commonly used, both because of its beauty and legibility, and because of the comparative inexpensiveness of engraving, the cost being about half of that of either the Old English or the shaded Roman type.
It is obvious that the size of page in this book will not permit facsimile reproductions of specimens of invitations and other social forms, which in nearly every case require a different proportion of space than the page offers. Therefore, to reproduce the style of lettering used for these forms has not been attempted. The examples present correct wording and proportionate arrangement.
The following plates, which are exact photographs of steel and copper engraving, present several styles of script, Old English, and shaded and plain Roman faces, but do not represent more than a few sizes, and those the most common.
[Illustration: Type styles and sizes for invitations]
at the Church of the Messiah
Two Dancing Parties
request the pleasure of
At Home At Home
=announce the marriage of=
=BROOKLINE, MASSACHUSETTS=
=First Unitarian Church=
=request the honour of your presence=
=Mr. and Mrs.= =New Hampshire=
=ANNOUNCE THE MARRIAGE OF=
=Mr. and Mrs.=
=at Emmanuel Church=
=at Warren, Pennsylvania=
=Mrs. William Howell Meade=
Mrs. William Howell Meade
=Mrs. William Howell Meade=
=MRS. WILLIAM HOWELL MEADE=
Dining and Party Invitations
The engraved card invitation for a luncheon is usually worded as follows:
Mrs. Everetts S. Sinclair requests the pleasure of your company at Luncheon on Tuesday, February nineteenth at one o'clock Hotel Willard
The dinner invitation is identical, except that for "Luncheon" is substituted "Dinner," and the hour is usually half after seven or eight o'clock. To this, or to any other dining invitation, may be added in the lower left-hand corner the words "Please reply," or, "The favor of a reply is requested."
The party invitation may take either of the two following forms:
Mrs. Harold Harmon Williams requests the pleasure of your company at a dancing party to be given at the Glendale Country Club Wednesday evening, December the twenty-ninth from eight until eleven o'clock
Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Fairfield Watson request the pleasure of
company at The Somerset Club on the evening of Friday the ninth of February from nine until one o'clock Dancing and Bridge 95 Jackson Boulevard
The blank invitation is very convenient, as it may be sent out at short notice, and is definite and personal. The following is a form which lends itself to any one of the usual kinds of home entertainment:
Mr. and Mrs. St. John Ambrose Lockwood request the pleasure of
........................................
company at............................
on............................
at................................
97 Washington Avenue
When, on an engraved invitation of any sort, be it wedding or dinner or any other, a blank line or lines are left for the insertion of the name of the guest, there is danger that, unless this is done with great care and by an able penman, the beauty of the invitation be ruined, and therefore its cost thrown away. For that reason a wholly engraved invitation is perhaps better, unless the work of addressing them and inserting the name is to be done by a professional penman. Of course, when this is done and well done, there is a personal touch, a suggestion of individual welcome, which can be gained in no other way, and which the wholly engraved invitation lacks.
When an entertainment is given by a family at some place other than their home, the invitations have the name of the place and the street address put in at the usual place on the invitation, and then in the lower right-hand corner the words "Please reply," with the home address.
A bachelor or widower uses his name alone at the top of the invitation. He will, of course, provide a chaperon, who in many respects takes the place of a hostess and so acts, but her name does not appear upon his invitation, unless she be his sister or near relative. The invitation then becomes a joint one, after the usual form.
A widower with daughters may send out invitations headed in either of the following forms:
Mr. John Marquand Miss Marquand Miss Estelle Marquand
or
Mr. John Marquand The Misses Marquand
For a dinner followed by a dance there are two invitations, the one a dinner invitation at an early hour for the favored few, the other a dancing party invitation at a later hour.
Clubs have blanks which may be filled in by their members when they wish to entertain. These are issued in the club name, and are like any other private invitation, except that at the bottom and to the left "Compliments of" is engraved, and the name of the member who is special host is written in.
Invitations containing the words "Bal Poudre" signify that the entertainment is a masquerade or fancy dress party, and the guests are expected to come in fancy costume with powdered hair.
The word "ball" is used of an elaborate formal dance, usually a public one given by some club or for charity, and rarely of a private dance.
In spite of the predominance of the engraved invitation for the most formal affairs, still small dinners, and even receptions and dancing parties, are sometimes announced by the handwritten invitations. The form should be the same as the engraved one, although to very intimate friends it should be changed to a friendly note.
Acceptances are in the form of the invitation. If that is an informal note, the acceptance or regret is sent in the same style. If the invitation is formal, the reply also should be written in the third person and be about as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Allston B. Sinclair accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Emanuel Farrington for dinner on Thursday, the ninth of December at half after eight o'clock
The reply to an invitation should be sent to the person or persons who issued it, never to any other member of the family, although such a one may be better known.
To write the word "Regrets" on one's visiting card and send it in declination of any invitation is bad form, even if the invitation come in similar shape. One should always write a note of regret.
Bachelors and widowers, who entertain at their apartments or studio or club, and army and navy officers never use the words "At Home," but always "request the pleasure (or honour) of your presence."
If one is entertaining a guest and an invitation is received, one may with propriety ask the hostess for an invitation for one's guest, if the form of entertainment is so general as to make this right and reasonable; otherwise one must decline the invitation. It would not be right to ask for another dinner invitation, or one to a select group of people, where the guest would be an intruder.
It is preferable and a much later form to use the words "Please reply," or "An early reply is requested," rather than the abbreviation "R. s. v. p." for "Rèpondez, s'il vous plaît," meaning "Reply, if you please."
If a son should return from college or other absence, and the parents wish to entertain for him, their invitations would have at the bottom the word "For" followed by his name.
In sending out invitations, one should be sent to the father and mother jointly, one to each son separately, and one to the daughters jointly, the latter being addressed "The Misses Estabrook."
Invitations should be sent to people in mourning, although they are not expected to accept. They should not be slighted or forgotten during such a period.
Wedding Invitations and Announcements
The following are the usual forms of wording for the wedding invitation:
Mr. and Mrs. Reinhard Ernst Ormond request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Eida to Dr. Otto Bertelli on Wednesday, the first of April nineteen hundred and thirteen at twelve o'clock Church of the Messiah St. Louis, Missouri
Mr. Arnold Hamilton Forsyth requests the pleasure of your company at the marriage reception of his daughter Margaret and Mr. Walter Mallory on the evening of Wednesday, the twenty-ninth of June one thousand nine hundred and twelve from eight until ten o'clock 17 Elm Hill Avenue Philadelphia, Pennsylvania R. s. v. p.
Dr. and Mrs. Maurice Howe Cavanaugh request the honour of
presence at the marriage of their daughter Rebecca Falmouth to Mr. Charles Hunnewell Clark on Monday, the ninth of July at eight o'clock Church of the Redeemer Washington
The usual form of marriage announcement is as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. William T. Kimball announce the marriage of their daughter Dorothy Lucinda to Mr. LeRoy L. Hallock on Wednesday, the first day of December one thousand nine hundred and twelve Chicago, Illinois
Mr. Arthur Edmand Sawyer and Miss Emma Pauline Farrington announce their marriage on Sunday the sixteenth of July one thousand nine hundred and ten at Boston, Massachusetts
The "At Home" card of the bridal couple, which goes with a wedding invitation, does not have the name of the couple upon it, but reads simply
At Home after the first of November 1219 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington
When an "At Home" card is included in a wedding announcement, however, the name of the couple appears upon it, as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Albion Frederick Marston
Will be at home 763 Chapel Avenue after the first of August Toronto
For the card of invitation to the wedding reception the wording is as follows:
Reception immediately after the ceremony Eight Salem Street
or
Reception immediately after the ceremony in the church parlors
In the case of a church wedding, it is always well to enclose with the invitation a small card reading: "Please present this card at the church on August the third."
In case the wedding takes place in the country and invitations are sent to many friends in the city, a card giving directions as to what train to take, and where, which is to be presented to the conductor instead of a ticket, and which entitles the possessor to special accommodations, is enclosed with the invitation.
Wedding invitations, or announcements, and their accompanying cards, are enclosed in two envelopes, one within the other, of the same stock as the billets. Upon the outer is written the name of the person and his street address; upon the inner only the name of the one for whom it is intended.
Wedding invitations should be addressed to "Mrs. Chandler Jones," on the outside envelope. Within this is a second envelope addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones." The older custom is to address the outside envelope to "Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Jones," as well as the inside. The lady of the house is now, however, beginning to be looked upon as head of its social affairs, as her husband is of its business affairs, and hence the style of addressing invitations to her.
The words "And Family" are no longer used after the parents' names, but separate invitations are sent to the members.
It is quite the courteous thing to include among the people invited to a wedding, especially if it is to be in a church, the special business friends and associates of the bridegroom-elect, his father, and the bride's father.
In case the invitations are for the ceremony only at a church wedding, the address of the bride's parents should be embossed upon the outside envelope.
Acquaintances purely professional do not receive cards to a wedding. One's physician, however, if his family is prominent socially, may be included among the guests.
Announcement cards should be quite ready to post immediately after the ceremony. They should be sent to all the circle of friends and acquaintances of both the bride's and the bridegroom's families, save to those who have been invited to the marriage or the wedding reception.
The announcement of an "At Home" or reception should always be made on a separate card,--not on a corner of the wedding invitation or announcement.
An immediate reply is necessary when one is invited to a home wedding. If the wedding is a church wedding, and there is no reception following it, one makes no reply if one intends to be present, but sends one's card upon the date set, if one cannot attend.
Various Announcement Cards
In case of the postponement of a wedding or a dinner or reception because of some grave accident or illness, the cancellation of the invitations, or the announcement of the postponement, should be engraved and sent out at the earliest possible date.
For a wedding it may read somewhat as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Maynard S. Taylor regret to announce that on account of serious illness in the family the marriage of their daughter Emmeline and Mr. Fosdick Arlington will be indefinitely postponed
A family which has passed through a period of calamity and bereavement may wish to make some acknowledgment of the attentions of friends, and may do so in some such form as follows:
The brothers and sisters of Dr. Ralph J. Harkins gratefully acknowledge your kind expression of sympathy
The special "At Home" card which is used for a reception in honor of a friend or guest may contain the name of the friend either on the first or the last line of the invitation, with the words "To meet" before it; as:
Mrs. Ernest L. Lafricain At Home Thursday, December twenty-third from four to six 275 Grand Pré Avenue, Montreal To meet Mrs. Jackson Seymour Montgomery
For a general reception the following form is good:
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Illington Bray Mr. and Mrs. Harold Bray request the honor of your presence on New Year's Day from four until half after seven o'clock 174 Albemarle Street Winnipeg
The private engraved card for Christmas and New Year greetings, which may be sent to one's entire list of friends, is much in favor. Great distinction and individuality of design and selection of sentiment may be obtained by this means. The following is an appropriate form:
"The glory breaks And Christmas comes once more"
Mr. and Mrs. Nathaniel Clarke Sutherland cordially greet
with every good wish of the Season
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